Good things do come in bundles

There are good days in life, and then there are bad ones. For the bad ones, well, it's just one of those days where we wake up on the wrong side of bed, feel woozy throughout the day, and nothing we try to do seems to turn out right. For such days we can moan and sulk, or turn to God and ask what He's trying to teach us. But the downside is, it still leaves us drained of excitement and feeling down, no matter how we choose to look at it.

And then there are the good days. Days that are just filled with good news and nice things happening, one after another. For such days, I respond with thanksgiving, thanking God that I'm still alive to experience such excitement and happiness.

Today is such a day.

I woke up expecting a heavy schedule. Turns out my first appointment with the dean was put off because I got the date wrong (yes, silly me, supposed to be next week), so with the free morning I saw my friend regarding a web site project he was proposing. We came to an agreement, and I took the job. Pays quite good too, so while there will be new challenges in doing so, there's work, and I always thank God for work. I still keep in mind the ill-feeling of being jobless for more than three months, and always thank God for His provision in giving me this job I always wanted.

Then what came as an unexpected surprise, I had a good majority of groups from my in-lab assignment 2 do extraordinarily well for their assessment today. Looks like my weeks of stern warnings have paid off, and they put their time into practicing, but the results were really much better than what I expected. The truth is, while I often joke about slaughtering students during exams, nothing brings greater reward to a teacher than to see his students excel. And today, they did. I hope tomorrow's batches would turn out the same.

Coming back from tuition, I peeked into my email inbox and found the paper review email from SecTech2009. Whadaya know, today really is my lucky day. My paper got accepted into the conference at Korea! I've been working on this paper since my masters, and managed to get it out last year, but was turned down by the first journal I submitted to. This was my second submission, and guess I got lucky. Finally I have a second paper to add to my international publication list. But the more important thing was, as I mentioned in my testimony before, I was working Jesus on this one, with Him constantly guiding, teaching, challenging and encouraging me throughout my research. It just makes a nice ending to the testimony that it's finally published.

Lastly, I went to CF, not knowing what to expect. But the speaker challenged us to a question, asking what is the one thing that would make you give up on your faith. Immediately, the thought of losing the one I loved the most came to mind. But what I realized a little later is, it's already happened, and I'm still hanging on. Well, I do remember talking to God about this before. I told Him some day, the time might come when I am shaken to the very core of my beliefs and is close to giving up, but I asked Him to promise me He will never let go no matter what. For now, I think the worst is over, and I'm still standing because He kept His promise.

God is awesome.

So yeah, good things do come in bundles! And the best thing to do for days like these is just to say a prayer of thanksgiving to the One who makes it all possible. Hope there will be many more such days in life!

The End of Another Chapter

3 years have passed since I found myself alone in my room in Karak, teaching at TAR College Pahang Branch and wondering if there was more to life for me than what seemed to be an early retirement job. I had been wishing then, dreaming, of a journey to take me to what someday would be those visions that I had of being in my thirties, lecturing in a hall filled with students, doing meaningful research that would have international impact and achieving a doctorate.

Today, I find myself pretty much in the same place as I was back then, still dreaming, still hoping of the day that vision would come to pass, yet still alone in my quiet little room. But much has changed since then. Friends have come and gone. Relationships have grown and withered. Some dreams have come to pass, others gone with the wind. Old things have outlived their use. New things have sprout and bud in my life. A season for everything.

Yet one thing I realize as I finish up my revision from going through my research notes. You see, I'm preparing for my VIVA tomorrow. It marks the end of this leg of the journey of my life as I come close to completing my Masters in Engineering Science. Yes, the one thing I realize is this, that through the ups and downs of the pass three years, God has been so good to me.

What began as a prompting in my heart to resign even before I got a job led to two offers from two respectful universities with equivalent salaries. And seeking His will of knowing where to be led me to a successful interview with the Dean of Engineering of MMU that lasted only 5 minutes. With that, I was given the entire package: a well-paid salary, cheap accommodation, free Internet and subsidized facilities, low teaching hours, flexible office-time and a free Masters in Research course.

If you're thinking it couldn't get any better, you'd be wrong.

In His next act of kindness, He brought in two very awesome supervisors into my life. Both who struck a very balanced combination of research attitudes perfect for a budding researcher in cryptography to grow: One, Dr Heng, my main supervisor, who is very knowledgeable and experienced in this field from her studies in Japan, and the other Dr Goi, my co-supervisor, who is dynamic, bold and a prime example of leadership in the academic world. Together, they have taught me so much and are very very supportive of my progress, both in research and also in my career at MMU as a whole.

To add to that, He led me to a university where the research group founded there forge a very close relationship with each other. Although small in number and our research areas may not be very similar, we share a closeness that I now come to realize is hard to come by in life. Money was never a problem, He gave me tuition jobs when He knew I needed extra cash, and a few years later with the salary adjustment everything was just spiffy. Classes in MMU have been enjoyable, with fun moments with students and goofier times with colleagues. Best part of the job was the sneaking away to Alamanda for a cheap movie during office hours every now and then just for the fun of it.

But the most awesome thing is still the work. Ever since Form 4, I've dreamt of moments where there's soft music playing in the background, coffee on the table, open books and scribbled writings, and staring at a whiteboard full of design diagrams, formulas and other mathematical gribbles, and I've enjoyed many of those moments in these last 3 years. That's how I do my so-called work. To me, every hour was a pleasurable moment. Of course, there were days of frustration when things just couldn't fit in, there were days of doubt of whether I'm smart enough to succeed, and there were days of just pure laziness when I didn't want to lift up another single page. But through it all, God was there, the still voice in my head, teaching, arguing, convincing, coaxing and leading me all the way. He was there to comfort me when I failed my first conference submission (of course, both my supervisors and group members were supportive as well). He was there to give me hope to keep on going when I couldn't see the way. He was there when I rejoiced when my draft had finally been accepted. He was there as I traveled to Norway to present my paper, my first experience overseas. I was never alone for a moment; He was always there.

And so, just as He had led me so far, I have a gut feeling that tomorrow's not going to be a problem. God has been awesome throughout this 3 year journey, and I know I can look forward to more exciting times to come after I have finished my masters and beginning my PhD. Already I can feel the birth of a new dream in a far away foreign land, but more on that in time. With His peace filling my spirit, I shut off the lights and go to bed, looking forward to the end of another chapter in my life as tomorrow comes.

Dated:Wednesday, June 10, 2009 at 1:45am

Dreaming of Her Again

I dreamt of her again.

I was watching TV in the living room of my old home. She came. She smiled her impish grin, flashing her pearly white teeth at me. Then she began tip-toing daintily towards me in her old ballerina fashion, her ponytail bouncing gently as she moved. Her large blue night-T-shirt hanging off her the way I remembered, And then she turned, sat down on my lap and leaned back on me.

I mashed my nose into her nape. It smelled so familiar. I'll always remember her scent. It's the one I still smell whenever I enter her house to visit her mother.

So I wrapped my arms around her as she continued to watch TV with me. Her body still warm. Her skin still soft. And she was as cuddly as I remembered.

It was one of those moments we shared that had been frozen in time.

But like Nero in Star Trek said, "That was a lifetime ago."

So I wake up. It's still today. She's still gone. I still had my day before me. And I'm still alone. But the feeling is still fresh as it was the day I held her almost six years ago.

I hate dreams like that. Makes me remember the hurt of the losing that which I had held dear so much. But at least I've more or less grown accustomed to these feelings already. Dealing with them has been pretty much routine lately.

I'm thinking surely God has His reasons even in allowing dreams like these. I just smiled at the memory, got up, and went about my day.

Dated:Friday, May 15, 2009 at 1:29am

A Prayer for My Grandfather

Dear God,

My grandfather lies on the hospital bed tonight. He is sick. He is dying. And You know how I have struggled to understand what to pray for him to You the last few days. Do I pray for a miraculous healing? Or do I pray that you take him home to You soon?

I'm so confused about this. Even You Yourself spoke that to live is Christ and to die is gain. Life and death can be quite confusing when you're a Christian, since both ways seem good to us either way. And while I am thankful that my grandfather believes in You as his Lord and Savior, I am at a loss as to what Your will is for him.

Even what little I know of my grandfather is such a mystery. When I knew him, he was already in his 70s as my father was born late in his life. I never understood his language, nor the strange culture of the older Chinese generation from mainland China. This communication barrier was what was the main reason I do not know him so well. That, and well, the interaction between my father and him and between me and my father is so vastly different that I just do not understand what goes through his mind, nor his quirky chinapek behaviors.

But from what I do know, from my father's stories, is that he is a kind and simple man who migrated from China. He took good care of his family, was faithful to grandma till the day she went home to You, and ran an honest business as a goldsmith here all his life until he was too old to work. His children themselves weren't as blessed, and in many of their ways, at least in my perspective, seems to fall short of what a good witness for You should be. It is only ironic that the one who has shown the most love, responsibility, duty and respect turned out to be my father, the only one who hasn't yet believed in Your name... This irony continues to baffle me as how it all ties in with Your will. I pray that someday You will make it known as I continue to pray for the day my parents come to trust in You.

I am thankful that You put it in my heart to put down my work at hand and to return on emergency leave to see my grandfather in what may be one final time. Chinese believe that it is only important that you show up during the funeral to show how filial you have been. I believe otherwise, that the time spent showing how much you loved and cared for a person WHEN HE/SHE IS STILL ALIVE that counts. Looking back, I think I have done my share. I have aided him in his old age whenever I visited, showed him all the respect as a patriarch of my family like my family has instructed me as long as I could remember, and even helped take care of him when he was very weak a couple of years ago.

Unfortunately, I am disappointed at my capabilities of giving love and caring for others as soon as I see my sister in action. I mean, the love, care and attention that she shows, it is only fitting that she's blessed to become a doctor someday, that she may be such a great blessing to so many others. Sometimes I wonder where some people just learn to be so selfless like these people I know, such as my father, my sister, and even Olivia, my 'little sister' at church. Some people can just give and give. To me, it just doesn't come naturally. I need to really make an effort, and it wears me out soon enough. I wonder if it is a gift from You, a special talent. If it is, how I wish that I have it sometimes.

Back to my grandfather, I have seen how he winces at the pain when my sister tries to move him. At 94, all his systems are failing one by one. His earthly body is falling apart. I know he is suffering as I see him drift in and out of consciousness due to the morphine they give him. I don't even know if he recognizes anyone around him, nor understand what is happening to him.

But what should I pray for? A miraculous healing? And if You do that, what then? Go back to the old folk's home to spend his days replaying memories of the past? I've seen how he spends his days there. He eats, sleeps and murmurs to himself all day long. When we talk, he can't even hold the contents of our conversation in his head for 5 minutes before asking the same question again. Life for him here doesn't seem to be going anywhere. To me, I would say that it would be best to bring him Home with You. There, he'd get that new body You promised. He'd meet grandma again. He'd spend eternity with You. But that's just me. Some people think it cruel. Somebody even recently questioned what kind of grandson I was to be saying such things when I shared my thoughts...

But there is one thing I know to pray for. I pray Lord that You ease his suffering, that no matter what Your will is, through a miraculous healing or the return Home, that my grandfather not be allowed to suffer a second longer than You intend him to. And so I pray that the suffering will end soon, one way or another, and that Your will be done. And if he is to return soon, I pray You will be there at the gates to greet him Yourself.

Yeah, I think that's what I'll pray for. That, and for Your Peace be with him forever.

Thank you, God for Chin Yok Tin. I wouldn't be here today if not for him.

Yes, I mean that literally.

Dated:Saturday, April 18, 2009 at 2:18am

Update:10:27am April 18
And God answered our prayer this morning, and took him Home to be with Him forever. Hallelujah.

Hello Dad?

Me: Hello Dad? It's me.

Dad: Hey. I've been waiting for you to call.

Me: I'm lost again, Dad. I can't find my way home. I want to come home, but I don't know how.

Dad: I'm already looking for you. Just stay where you are. I'll come get you.

Me: Can you hurry? It's rather scary out here.

Dad: Don't worry. I'm very close. Trust me.

Me: Ok. Thanks, Dad. See you soon. Love you.

Dad: Love you.

Dated:Wednesday, February 25, 2009 at 12:00am

Happy Birthday Puffy, You'd be 26 Today

Roses or carnation?
I am neither.
Beauty of both I can never obtain
They blossom under the hands of the gardener in heaven.

Roses or carnation?
I kept pondering,
Battles of my heart never seem to end,
the world is never the best place to live
neither is it a fair place to live.

Roses or carnation?
Complexity of both cannot be denied.
Only the gardener knows the exact fertilizer.

This is a poem my heart just felt like writing.
Please know that Jesus loves you very much and so do I.
Bless you.

Regards,
Puffy
Sunday,
1 Sep, 2002


Dear Puffy,

Happy birthday. You'd be 26 today if you were still around. You left us too soon.

You left before I could tell you.

There are so many things I wished I could say. There was one CG back at Julie's where they shared about the things they regret. I said I had none then. I do today. I regret not being with you in your last days. I regret not being able to say I was sorry, for not being able to walk with you in your tough journey alone at Sydney. I regret not to have been able to hold your hand and say how much I still cared when you found out about the illness...

I wish I would've known you'd be going home. God told me you'd be alright, but I didn't understand what alright meant then. I thought He'd heal you, give you a life you always wanted, a home, a daughter named Ruth, sharing the message of Christ over missions when you were older...you had so much planned, so much you dreamed of that you told me, that I thought God wouldn't take your home just yet. You just had so much life in you.

But if I knew, would I have left everything here and went to be with you? If not only for a week or two? Would I have seen through the hurt you caused when you told me God's message for us? Would I have sold all I had just for that one air ticket to Sydney, just to be by your side? I think I would. Or at least I'd like to.

Unfortunately, that wasn't how the way things turned out, and it's going to be something I have to live with for the rest of my life. The people at church have told me to let go, that it's not my burden to carry. Maybe they're right. But how could I?

Over the years God has promised that someone meant for me would come along. Unfortunately it's been 5 years since you left, and unfortunately nobody has come close to matching up to you, and to share with me what we once shared. It's hard to forget once you've tasted something good, and it's even harder when hope seems so far away.

And so I've lived a hermit's life till now. Maybe out of protecting myself. I said I would tell you how hard it was for me when you moved on, but I never had the chance. I really don't want to suffer it again. That's probably why I'm keeping to myself these days. That, and well, nobody seems interested to want to know me like you did anyway, so why bother. Sounds sad right? But it's just what it is.

What on Earth did you ever see in me anyway? I wish I could ask you that...

Or maybe I'm just holding out until the promised one comes. If she ever comes. But even if she did, would she understand why I need to remember you? Why certain dates in my calender are special to remember that a wonderful person like you once walked the Earth? To remember how God used you to change my life? To remember how He reflected His glory in your smile. To remember how much your heart shone like His own? Would she wonder if I was still very much in love with you?

Haha...but I get ahead of myself. It'll take a miracle for me to find her. So far God's not moving yet. And the longer the wait is, the more I'm convinced that finding true love at this time and age is getting more and more impossible. So far it's been frustrating and disappointing trying to pray and look for it. Maybe that's why it makes it even harder to move on.

But I am, although slowly. Time does heal. So do friends. God has brought Kok Wai, Pei Wen and Boon Chin back in my life, and soon your old roomie Lee Chen will join them. Maybe they'll even have their wedding soon. And even for Pei Wen's old girl, I keep telling him to go look for her and make amends, before it's too late. I wonder if and when he'll listen. I don't want him to regret as I do now. I'm sure you know all this, but just thought I'd let you know anyway. So while I'm not doing exactly great, it's still not as bad as when you left :) Hope you're glad to know that.

But like I said, you left too early. And your family is still grieving over your father who went to be with you not too long ago. I'm worried about your mom and sister, them being so young Christians. I pray for them to see God's ultimate plan in taking the both of you away from their lives, even though sometimes I myself still get mad at Him for letting things turn out this way.

Sometimes I still wonder how different our lives would've been if I was brave enough to follow you to Sydney in the first place, and by doing so trade Kok Wai's friendship (and maybe salvation) over the last 5 years for being with you till the end. Thankfully it's not a decision I have to make.

But hey, I've digressed. I write this to console myself I suppose. To tell you what I couldn't then. Maybe you'll read this with Him. Maybe you're still too busy exploring your new Home. I don't know. I just want to get it off my chest once and for all. I just want to say I'm sorry for all the things I couldn't do for you, that I miss you very much, and that I'll continue to remember you even when everyone else has forgotten.

For the memories once we shared: a heavy burden to carry, but too precious to throw away.

Hey, I know I promised I'd stop crying over you. But maybe today, just forgive me if I do shed a tear or two. It's hard not to when I remember your impish grin.

Happy birthday Puffy, you'd be 26 today.

Love,
Bones bones

Dated:Friday, April 10, 2009 at 1:04am

The Long Delay

Wow...looks like my Norway post continuation has been waiting for more than a year now...

Anyway, much time has passed, and much has happened. Maybe too much, which explains my absence from the blogosphere for so long. Either that, or I've just conceived of a whole new level of procrastination I never thought I had...

Not that I was missed, as I can tell by the hit counter, but it was never about the popularity, just journaling my journeys of walking on this Earth. Maybe some day I will try to pick up the pieces of where I left off...when I feel up to it that is.

For now, just a vague update. I've graduated! I finally have my masters! I've finally gotten promoted to a lecturer's position since April. I have most of my old roomies from TARC rejoin me at Cyberjaya Dell, and I'm pretty happy where I am right now. What roomies from TARC rejoining thing, you ask? Yes, this post was finally answered! God is good!

Ok, more to come later. Just got home from visiting Kok Wai at the hospital, and I'm pretty stoned. Maybe I'll just repost some of my Facebook notes here before I head off to bed.

Hopefully the next update won't take another year...

EuroPKI Trondheim Trip - Departure 12-13 June 2008

Finally got down to writing this post. I've just touched down in Malaysia from my first overseas flight to Trondheim and back for the EuroPKI 2008 conference. And while Trondheim is a nice place to be, no place is as good as home. Where did I go first thing? Yeah you guessed.

Bed.

Anyway I was mainly preoccupied today with writing up reports and passing around candy that I got from both Trondheim and Schipol airport at Amsterdam. Not to mention my parents dropped by for the weekend to talk to me about the trip. It's only now in the quiet of the night and still suffering from a bit of jetlag that I find myself blogging about the trip.

So where to begin. I had my housemate Yu Jen drop me off at the Putrajaya ERL station at 8pm on 12 June. The ride to KLIA was uneventful, although my parents kept calling to check if I knew what to do at the security checkpoints. In my head I kept running through the list of stuff I needed for my trip there, most importantly my passport. I had spent around a quarter of a day packing, but still I wasn't confident that I had everything I needed.

Well, luckily for me the security check wasn't rigorous and I managed to get on the plane without much hassle. I got a window seat. And yes, right beside the wing of the plane. Eww...tough luck. Stuck between me and the aisle to the toilet was a quiet and reserved Malaysian chinese man and a potbellied aussie who had a little bit too much to drink (8 cans before boarding as he bragged). Double eww...

Oh well. At least they were friendly. We chat a bit. Erm... actually the aussie did most of the chatting. I just had my meal on the plane and a glass of milk (the aussie was actually laughing at me for drinking that. Sheesh! What's wrong with milk?) and after 2 hours was fast asleep.

So yeah, like I was telling my friend Jia Wern, it felt like a first person game, where I got on board, sat down, the loading screen came up and 10 hours later I found myself staring at the flight screen with only 30 minutes before landing at Schipol airport, Amsterdam. Ah...at least I didn't end up in Rapture, thank God.

Amsterdam Schipol Airport. That's a Lufthansa airliner

Runway at Schipol

Transfer flight to Trondheim was a long wait. I got in Schipol at 5am in the morning. My connecting flight? 11am...With 6 hours to kill, I walked most of Schipol airport. To tell the truth, I still think KLIA seems more advanced and friendly compared to Schipol. Had a coffee for 2.10 Euro (about 10 ringgit!) at the Grab and Fly and sat down to read my Bible. The good thing was I managed to run through from Ezra to Job in one whole morning. Whoopie! I'm ahead of my Bible reading plan again.

Grab and Fly at Schipol airport, Amsterdam

Cuppa Kaffe for 2.10 Euro (multiply 5.11 to get ringgit).

Yeah it's that little...

6 hours later, the KLM airbus took us outside to the runway where we boarded the Cityhopper jet for Trondheim. At least they served food on board that plane as well so I had a free lunch. Oh yeah, did I mention the orange juice there was awesome! Fresh with pulp! Yummie to da max! Forgot to take a pic of that though...

Small City Hopper plane from Amsterdam to Trondheim

Anyway, get on plane, loading screen appears, wait 2 hours, get off plane. And I'm in Trondheim!

Welcome to Vjaernes Airport, Trondheim!

Oh yeah before that, I managed to get some nice shots as we approached Trondheim itself, so it wasn't just a simple loading screen hehe.

Cloud plains from the plane

Snow Streams

Trondheim Countryside

OMGZ! SIM CITY SOCIETIES IN RLTV!

So I got off the plane. What happened next? Well getting sleepy now so I'll have to continue some other time.

To be continued...

Presentation: Cryptology 2008

One year after I stood on a podium before an audience presenting a talk on cryptography for my proposal defense, I find myself back in the same situation before an international crowd at PWTC for Cryptology 2008.

I was presenting my survey work on identity-based identification schemes. Well, most of the stuff in there was from my proposal defense anyway, so it was pretty trivial to write it up as a paper. It's been a little over a year since I wrote up the draft of that paper and finally got it accepted in a conference, thank God.

Well, to tell you the truth I was nervous and my supervisor said I was talking too fast, but besides that thankfully there were no impossibly hard questions, and the rest of it went well.

It has always been my dream to give a talk or lecture. I guess this is close enough for now. Thank God for such an opportunity. It's truly enjoyable.


And the best thing is I'm flying off to Norway this Thursday experience it all over again next week.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

You're Always There

At the beginning when I was formed, You were there. That very first day I came into the world, I couldn’t recognize Your face, but You were there.

Through a blissful childhood, with only stories from my mother of a virgin giving miraculous birth to the Son of God, I didn’t know who You were, but I somehow could feel, You were there.

That day when I first met You. That day I learnt who You are, You showed me the greatest love of all. From that day on, You said You’d always walk with me and never leave nor forsake me. From that day on, I knew You were always going to be there.

Every time I fell, every time I got hurt within and without, You were there, to nurse my wounds, Your gentle smile made me know everything was going to be all right.

Every time I made it, every time I succeeded in something, I knew You were there, sharing my moment of triumph. I always knew You were the One who lifted me up.

In those loneliest moments, when all friends and loved ones were gone and not a soul was in sight that I could seek for comfort, You were there. You never let me walk alone. Perhaps sometimes You remained silent, but I knew You were always there.

In my moments of greatest fear, after every fright, after every nightmare, You were always there, to comfort me, to protect me. You always make me feel secure.

Every time I sinned, every time I failed You, You were still always there, always forgiving and reconciling even when I dared not ask. You never gave up hope in me, and I don’t think You ever will. Your gentle rebukes in kindness draw me to repentance. Your discipline builds my character and makes me a better man.

In those days of joy and fun and cheerful laughter, I knew You were laughing along with me. You were always there, never ceasing to amaze me with a good laugh. Your cheerful Spirit kept me going.

In those days of doubt and confusion, when I couldn’t tell right from wrong, real from imagined, true from false, You were always there, my anchor to sanity, my only reality.

Through this life, through the peaks and valleys, through the deserts and seas, no matter where I travel, no matter where I’ll be, I will never be afraid nor feel alone, because I know You’ll always be there.

And when this journey finally ends, when I finally see the end, I know You’ll be there, standing at the gates, arms wide open welcoming me home.

You’re always there. Thank you, Jesus. You’re always there.

"Now You Know How Much I Love You"

I've been watching Beach Boys and reminiscing today. The show was about two guys who wound up by circumstances at a guest house by the seaside and began a happy yet simple life away from the hustle and bustle of the city life. But what really struck me was their need for each other, and even when Kaito went back to the city for a while, Hiromi and Makoto went out of their way to seek him out.

And as I lay down to bed just now I talked to God about it. "Wouldn't it be great to have that kind of life, to be around people whom you love and care for, and whom care about you as well. I wonder if I can ever experience what those guys in the show have, that special bond of friendship."

No sooner than I thanked God for the rest of the wonderful blessings in my life and I shut my eyes to sleep did my phone ring.

I picked up. It was my old roomie, Kok Wai.

"Hey, how much does it cost to rent a house in Cyberjaya?" he asked.

"Over a thousand bucks. Cheaper in Seri Kembangan though. Why do you ask?"

"Well the company I'm working for is starting a project based in Cyberjaya. I might be moved there permanently, so just wanted to ask you what the situation is like over there before I further discuss with my boss. If the deal goes through we might rent a place there, Lee Chen and I, and be staying in Cyberjaya. You're welcome to move in with us if we're transferred. It'll be like those good-old days back during college."

"It's still in the talks right. Listen, I'm going back to Penang end of the month. We can talk about this more then. Right now I really need to go to bed."

"Oh you're coming back then? Good, see you then. Good night."

As I got up to write all this down, I could still see Jesus giving me the now-you-know-how-much-I-love-you look on His face. His timing couldn't be more impeccable.

I can only hope and pray all this would come through.

When I Was Young

Times like these I wonder what has changed in me.

I remember the days of innocent youth, when the world was good and so was everyone in it. When there problems in life were kept simple enough to be solved by my young mind. When there were no doubts and suspicions on the people I met. When friendships were forged without interior or outerior motives but by circumstance and proximity and a genuine wish just to be with each other. And a time when dreams close to my heart were thought to be so close within grasp.

Then time passed.

I grew. I experienced. I was hurt. I recovered. I learned. I hardened.

I wonder if this is growing up. Learning that the world is not as perfect as we imagined to be. Learning to widen our horizons. Learning that every minute in our lifetime is but a negligible speck compared to the history of the world as defined in the Bible. Learning that things are not as simple as they seem. Learning that it is not a matter of if, but when do we get let down and disappointed by things again. Learning to deal with heartaches again and again to the point that nothing seems to matter anymore. Learning that some people will only be friends given favorable conditions. Learning that some dreams are just impossible to achieve in our lifetimes. Learning that our adult lives are so constrained by the cares of the world. Jobs, responsibilities, duty, and invisible lines that are not to be crossed. And most of all, learning that each decision you make WILL have a consequence later in life, and holding on to the stress of trying making the correct decisions ALL the time.

And after going through and surviving all that I mentioned, I'm left wondering how in God's name will the future get better, when so far in these few years of growing I've only come to realize that so many things are never as good as I perceived them to be.

I wonder if that's the challenge of faith for me this year. To put blind faith into believing that the future will actually be good. And that whatever good that I do here in my lifetime will not be lost as just another speck of dust in this gargantuan time line of history.

Is all this what it means to be a man?